For 10 years I was someone else. My stage presence and personality was who I was; what defined me. I was the Belly Dancer, Snake Charmer, the Artistic Director…..I was a personality. It was all I knew. If I wasn’t dancing, teaching or organizing an event-I was lost. Being a “character” was all I knew. I had a hard time integrating my stage self into my real every day self. Somehow, my real every day self was not as awesome as I thought she should be. For all purposes, I was my stage self–every day and always.
Then changes happened. I was performing, and my fondness of dance wasn’t there. I felt no passion. It was just another show. Going through the motions and the smiles, but no longer feeling that enthusiasm. I thought maybe it was just a bad night. I just wasn’t in the mood. But the more performances I did, the more I felt exhausted by each one. My stage presence was diminishing-which meant so wasn’t my identity.
When I moved from Boston to Flagstaff I went through a serious conflict. Here I was, in a new place, and my identity was wavering. I had to teach, I had to perform. I had to let people know who I was…I was a dancer with 10 years of professional experience. I did amazing things! I needed to regain control of my life by regaining control of my dance life–my career–my everything. There was a problem:
I wasn’t that person anymore.
Try as hard as I could, I could not bring myself to have that passion that I did years ago. But then…who the hell was a now???
And after months of attempting to force myself to be that person…I finally accepted I was not. I entered a downward spiral of self discovery–without my main focus of dance–without people knowing me as “Zehara The Belly Dancer,” who was I? I felt like a shadow. I literally had to learn to love me again. Not me, the glittery non stop professional. Just me. And it was hard. I didn’t think it would be so hard; but after the costumes were sold and my dance things went to other owners, I was left with just myself. I am FINALLY reaching the point where I no longer need to “pretend” to be someone else…I am no longer lost as a character.
I will be teaching again, but not dance. I will be focusing on my wellness business. I realize now what I didn’t before. Its ok to be someone else as long as you don’t lose yourself. I think of it as a death of my old self; with death comes grieving and time to let go. I can’t force myself to be anything other than what I am right now. I don’t need to be what anyone expects, what I think I should be, or what I wish I was.
And just breathe.
